Trading Judgement for Curiosity
Hillary Wasserman, Boon Coach
The end of the year is approaching. Many take this opportunity to take stock of their lives. What is going well? What is not? Am I happy in my career? Marriage? Family? Investments? What have I accomplished? Have I been naughty or nice? The list goes on.
Many miss this huge opportunity to take stock of our thoughts. Are they serving you? It may be time to declutter.
Our brains are always processing what is going on around us, and as humans do, we judge. We judge others and even more insidiously, we judge ourselves. Hopefully, most of these thoughts are positive and build you up, but often we have guilt or shame around our thoughts or actions. I’m a bad person because I did this, or because I felt or thought that. These thoughts may run in a loop, and just keep playing, tearing ourselves down.
What if these thoughts are an invitation and an opportunity? What if we can reframe them? What if through these negative thoughts and feelings we can learn more about ourselves and as a side benefit feel better about ourselves?
When the critical inner voice emerges (notice I said “when” not “if,” because we are all human) and starts to berate you or others, don’t fight it or push it away. Sounds counterintuitive, right? Simply notice them. You may even name this voice as “the critical voice” or the “here we go again” voice. Noticing these thoughts serves a few purposes:
1. Decreases their power.
2. Allows you to become more mindful.
3. Provides you with the opportunity to becomes more curious about the issues at hand including what brings you to such a negative place. This sets the stage for more exploratory work and a better chance at solving the actual problem.
Here are some examples:
Judgmental Thought: I’m not smart enough to do well on this project.
Thoughts of Curiosity: Let’s see what actually happens when I work on the project. I wonder what I’ll learn from this project? When do I feel most confident in my thinking? Maybe it would be good to talk to a colleague about their experience with similar projects?
Judgmental Thought: He/She is just a bad person for doing that.
Thoughts of Curiosity: I wonder why he/she did that? Was that the first time it happened or one of many? Have I ever acted that way? What circumstances would lead someone to act like that?
Judgmental Thought: I’m terrible at sports.
Thoughts of Curiosity: I wonder why I think I’m terrible at sports? Where does this come from? Maybe I should try a different sport? Which sports have I enjoyed playing, regardless of how I performed?
No one benefits from negative judgments of ourselves or others. We will never get rid of these thoughts completely, but we can work with them to our benefit.
Negative thoughts about ourselves, effect our self esteem, confidence and ability to work to our full potential. Stop. Notice. Be kind to others and yourself. Next time you notice a negative thought you may say: is this true? What evidence do I have? Is this thought serving me? What can I be thinking instead?
Give it a try, and enter this next year with a clearer head, and a more positive attitude.
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