Workplace Relationships (Managers + Peers)
Tricia Gehl, Boon Coach
The relationships we navigate in the workplace can be satisfying, inspiring, growth-fueling, healing, maddening, triggering, trauma-inducing and everything in between.
We develop relationships with peers that turn into lifelong friendships; or those that have us booking additional sessions with our therapists. We embark on relationship journeys with managers that set us on a path toward professional superstardom, inspiring us to emulate their infinite wisdom and brilliance; or prompt us to create a “how not to manage” manual for future generations to use. Navigating these relationships takes patience, self- awareness, and intention.
Setting Expectations
New relationships
Getting clear around what’s expected of both you and the other person is key to getting the relationship off to a comfortable start. Discussing things like decision-making frameworks, how and when you communicate, who is responsible for what, and how you will address it when things get rocky are critical. Having some of these more logistical pieces in place will benefit the mental and emotional part of the relationship. When we fail to set expectations, someone is almost always going to feel let down. Feeling let down can lead to feelings of anger, resentment, and frustration. Those feelings influence how you show up in live conversations, meetings, and instant message chats. Not setting clear expectations may do irreparable damage to a new relationship.
With managers, it may look like this
No initial expectations set around final decision-making authority within your new role
You make a decision you feel is well within the scope of your new responsibilities
Manager is irritated and angry that you would make this type of decision without consulting
them, as they feel it’s outside the scope of your new responsibilities
Manager sends you the following instant message:
“Next time, please check with me before making a decision on something like this”
You are annoyed, and worry you’re now working for a micromanager
Your next live conversation feels a bit frosty and closed-off, and you’re wondering if you are going
to be miserable working for this person
With peers, it may look like this
A specific workstream within a project is assigned to you and a teammate who will be working together for the first time
Since you were responsible for this same workstream on your last project, you quickly fire off an enthusiastic email to your project lead (copying your teammate) outlining a proposed project plan and division of responsibilities
You feel energized and excited about the upcoming first brainstorm session with your teammate!
Your teammate reads the email and is irritated and annoyed. They imagined you two would work
together to develop a project plan and divide deliverables. They feel defeated and shut out. Since
they’ve never worked with you before, they immediately assume you’re going to be controlling,
inflexible, and just all-around difficult to work with
You both show up to your first brainstorm session on the opposite ends of the mood spectrum.
You’re fired up and ready to go! Your teammate is sullen and seems uninterested. Since you’ve never worked with them before, you immediately assume they’re perpetually cranky, not a good team player, and just all-around difficult to work with.
This initial meeting ends up being uncomfortable and unproductive, and you both make the internal decision to just get the work done and limit contact with each other outside of that
See how quickly things can go off the rails, sending any working relationship from budding to rocky in an instant? Talking through and agreeing upon expectations at the start can help lessen or even eliminate professional relationship difficulties.
Existing relationships
Taking the time to discuss expectations doesn’t just apply to new working relationships; it can also be a great reset within existing ones, as well. Again, it all goes back to the likelihood that someone is ultimately going to be let down in the absence of expectations, and catabolic thoughts, feelings, and actions could manifest as a result.
With managers, it may sound like this
Are you finding that the first 15 minutes of your weekly 30 minute 1:1 development calls with your manager have become filled with talking about each other’s latest TV obsession, how obnoxious their partner’s parents are, and the cute new thing your niece has been doing? Although you adore your manager, and love talking with them about anything and everything, this particular meeting is meant to be about you and your development. Allowing this to continue could result in you leaving those meetings feeling unsupported and directionless, and those thoughts may alter the trust you have in their role as your developer. So how do you get things back on track? Consider using some variation of the following statements:
“I value and appreciate that we can talk about everything under the sun, but I’d feel more comfortable if we stuck to the topic of my career development during our weekly 1:1 meetings.”
“I am grateful for the 30 minutes you set aside each week to focus on my professional development; since our time is limited, why don’t we agree to keep my professional development the focus and we can set up some additional time for a proper catch up?”
With peers, it may sound like this
Do you have a beloved peer who repeatedly commits to taking on deliverable after deliverable, procrastinates until the last minute, then frantically reaches out to you for help? In the beginning you didn’t mind helping at all; you may have even found it amusing and joked with them about owing you lunch or a drink for your assistance. Fast forward, and this has now become a repeated pattern of behavior on both your parts. You’ve allowed their inability to change their working style to impact your working style. If you allow this to continue, resentment and anger will replace any former fond feelings you had for this person, and the relationship will suffer. So how do you stop that from happening? Think about using the following verbiage:
“I’ve always made myself available to help when you’ve needed me at the 11th hour, but I’m feeling uncomfortable with the pattern that’s developed and need to put some boundaries in place.”
“Although I’ve been able to step in and help you at the last minute in the past, I am no longer comfortable with allowing your chosen work style to impact my own.”
Having these “reset” conversations can be difficult and uncomfortable, but they are necessary to ensure a relationship’s healthy future.
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