Are These Goals Even Mine?
Tricia Gehl, Boon Coach
Whether we realize it or not, setting and working toward goals has been a part of our lives in some way, shape, or form since the day we came into this world. As newborns, hitting our weight and length gain goals is the focus. As toddlers, it’s all about those learning to stand, then walk, then run goals. In early childhood, we work diligently to crush those shoe tying and learn the ABC’s goals. Those early goals are essential to our development; however, they are also almost entirely set by others. We start our lives working to achieve goals that don’t necessarily belong to us. How exhilarating it is to finally reach that point in our lives where we set and pursue goals that are solely our own! But, do we ever really get there?
A few months ago, I worked with a client who was experiencing severe burnout at work. In addition to feeling unfulfilled and dissatisfied, he was also having trouble feeling motivated and was falling back into procrastination patterns he hadn’t experienced since college. This client had recently been promoted to Director at his accounting firm, a goal he’d set for himself the day he started with the firm 4 years ago. In the client’s words: “I should be feeling on top of the world right now! I’ve been working toward this goal for years, yet now that I’ve reached it, I just feel nothing.” We spent our next two sessions picking apart the client’s dilemma and looking for the root cause of his deep dissatisfaction. What we discovered was he never really wanted to be an accountant. He wanted to be a Forest Ranger.
How Do We End Up Chasing Goals That Aren’t Really Ours?
Shifting from “should” to “want to”
“Shoulds” play too big a role in the goals we set for ourselves. “I should choose this career because it’s a good way to make a reliable living.” “I should go for this promotion because it’s the next logical step.” Guilt and people-pleasing is often at the core of the “should,” and goals achieved via the “should” route frequently leave us feeling flat; conversely, goals that are rooted in “want to” tend to bring more internal satisfaction and fulfillment upon completion. A “want to” goal is something you’re doing for yourself instead of simply to please others or because it’s what is expected of you. So why would my client, who wanted to make his living out in nature, end up in a career in accounting?
Whose voice is that?
“My father thinks…” was a phrase my client used repeatedly during sessions. That phrase precluded statements he made around his career goals, his investment goals, and even his future home purchase goals. When presented with the question of: “Well, what do you think?” my client regularly struggled to answer. His father’s voice was so loud in his head that it was nearly impossible for him to formulate his own point-of-view. When setting goals, it may be helpful to ask yourself: “Whose voice am I hearing?” or “Who am I doing this for?” as a means to find your own voice.
Environmental and Societal Pressure
The environment within which we were raised plays a big role in the goals we pursue. My client, who was raised in an environment where things like money, status, and a “white collar” career equated to success, felt immense pressure to pursue a career that was in line with the things his family valued most. He also felt a tremendous amount of societal pressure and fell victim to the limiting belief that a nature-based career couldn’t lead to a secure financial future. How do we prevent these external pressures from taking over our goals?
Reclaiming What’s Yours
How can you make sure the goals you set are really and truly yours?
Let your Values be your guide. When something is off in our lives it’s often because one or more of our Values aren’t being honored. Making decisions and setting goals that are in direct alignment to your most cherished Values directly correlates to overall satisfaction. The more passionately connected you are to your goals, the more likely you are to find the motivation to keep working toward them, and the more fulfilled you’ll feel once you reach them.
Fast forward. Use the 10/10/10 approach to help determine whether or not you’d like to continue pursuing a goal. If you were to be in this exact same place 10 minutes, 10 months, and 10 years from now, how would that prompt you to make or not make any adjustments to your current goals? If the thought of being on your current path even just 10 minutes from now is enough to make you cry out in anguish, then it might make sense to create a new trajectory for yourself.
Focus on not disappointing yourself. A lot of us are constantly focused on not disappointing others, whether it be our parents, our children, our bosses, or our partners. But what about disappointing ourselves? Setting and pursuing goals that are in line with how you wish to experience your time on this earth helps create a life that is fulfilling and satisfying. Don’t let yourself down!
Work with a Life Coach. A coach can support you in looking at things from all perspectives and help you connect your goals to your Values. A coach will also support you in determining whether or not a goal is truly yours by challenging you to be as honest with yourself as possible.
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