Setting Healthy Boundaries, Holiday Edition
Nikki Kett, Boon Coach
With the holidays coming up, it can start to bring up both excitement but also some anxiety around holiday expectations and family time. So as we go into the holiday season, let’s normalize whatever you are feeling around the upcoming holiday season. A bit of trepidation around family tension or arguments that can happen during gatherings is normal. With the expectations that holidays should be filled with love, happiness, and warmth, it’s easy to get down thinking about potential family blow ups or miscommunications that can put a damper on things.
Family has the ability to be triggering to our emotional reactions because it is the root of our earliest patterns of behavior. Family dynamics can bring out years of unspoken rules and expectations for how we behave and interact with each other. Even as we grow and mature into adulthood, it can feel like the second we are back with our family we step back into childish behaviors and reactions that we thought we had worked so hard to overcome.
The good news is that you can plan ahead of time how and what you are willing to tolerate or accept in terms of family behavior, and openly communicating things ahead of time from a calm space can help relieve some tension before things are elevated.
Healthy boundaries allow you to honor your own needs and wants while maintaining relationships with other people. We can think of them like cells in our bodies –they have barriers that allow some things in. But, in order protect the environment of the cell and keep you healthy – not everything is allowed in. Healthy boundaries are the same way –we don’t have to necessarily block any and all connection between family members but we can decide what energy and dynamics we will allow into our space in order to protect our own health and well-being.
Here are two reasons why this can be difficult with family:
1. Oftentimes we have deep fears about how our family members will respond to our new boundaries based on the old roles that we used to play. We fear the reactions we will get from family members when we redefine those roles.
2. We are told to make exceptions for our family members because we are told “it’s family, or you can’t say no to your mom, dad, sibling, etc.”
Ultimately though, we can’t develop loving relationships with our family if we aren’t real about how we are feeling and when we show up with unsaid resentment and frustration that’s typically when things have a tendency to go awry.
It’s important to remember that boundaries are about protecting our own wellbeing so that we can show up with MORE love and compassion for our family members, not less, and that your family’s reaction to your boundaries are their responsibility, not yours. Plus, giving them a bit of time to process your boundaries ahead of time can allow for the holiday season to go as smoothly as possible.
Here’s 4 steps you can take to step into setting healthy boundaries this holiday season:
STEP 1: Think about what you need/want/desire around the holidays this year
Examples:
More downtime
More alone time
More help hosting/cooking/cleaning
Compromising with your partner on time with each family
Respect for your relationship
No discussion around triggering topics (politics/weight/career plans, etc.)
STEP 2: Brainstorm potential solutions or ways of responding if your boundaries are violated. What will you do as a result if it is a zero tolerance boundaries?
Examples:
More downtime – can you spend 1 holiday with your family?
More alone time – Maybe you stay at a hotel or with a friend?
More help hosting/cooking/cleaning – Offer to host but ask family members to bring food or cook?
Compromising with your partner on time with each family – How can you compromise and balance holidays?
Respect for your relationship – How do you create safety for your partner bringing them home?
No discussion around triggering topics (politics/weight/career plans, etc.) -leave the table, walk away, go upstairs, etc.
STEP 3: Communicate in terms of your needs.
Start with “I’ statements in terms of your own feelings and needs. When communicating boundaries it’s important to communicate in a way that states how we feel but doesn’t put the other person in a defensive or reactive state. This allows for conversations to be more of a dance and collaboration and not a personal attack.
I feel/want/need ________, so I’m going to __________.
Examples:
I am feeling particularly burnt out from work this year, so I’m planning on staying home for Thanksgiving this year.
I need alone time so I am going to stay in a hotel with my partner this year.
I feel overwhelmed hosting and preparing everything on my own, so while I’m happy to host, I need some help.
It’s important for me to see my family this year too, so I’m hoping we can split time between our families.
I want my partner to feel respected in our family, so I want to make sure he is welcome to join.
I am not willing to have conversations around [politics, weight, career, etc], if it happens, I will plan on leaving the room.
Tip: Avoid defensive feeling words like cheated, abused, attacked, betrayed, bullied, disrespected, used … etc. as they might put the other person in a defensive state.
STEP 4: Ask a follow up question that allows them to respond to you, clarify their perspective, and help you move forward together.
Examples:
What’s going on for you?
How can we work through this together?
What is your perspective?
What do you think?
Remember, try not to be wishy-washy in your statements. The more clearly and simply you can keep your communication, the better. Make sure that you are communicating from your own perspective, be willing to compromise, but don’t commit to anything that you don’t feel good about. The more consistent you are in your boundaries, the more teach your family members what you are and aren’t willing to tolerate as behaviors. Finally, be willing to be uncomfortable! This isn’t easy.
While it won’t be easy, it does get easier with time. Setting boundaries is one of the most loving things you can do for you and for your family because it allows you to maintain connection without hiding yourself and without bringing in underlying resentment into your relationships.
Want to give your employees the gift of practicing communicating boundaries ahead of time with a coach so they can enjoy family time at the holidays with less stress?
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